The difference between this video and the Pride Rewind is this will be about my queer realization, “coming out” story, and so on.
Today I’ll be telling you my queer story, how I got to where I am today. First, how I identify now. I’m queer in sexuality and gender. I’m still questioning on the specific term relating to gender. I like using queer to describe my sexuality, but I’m also comfortable with bisexual and pansexual. I am aware that bi and pan are different things to some people, but I’m comfortable with both. I tend to prefer bi though, and I go by the definition of being attracted to the same gender, and attracted to any other gender. I just want that to be clear, it’s not “just men and women” for me. I am also demiromantic, meaning I must feel like I have a strong emotional connection with a person before I can even begin to be romantically attracted. Now for gender, I never really questioned it until more recently, which I will explain later. Right now, I am still a little unsure, but I am really leaning toward graygender. I use he/him pronouns but have no problem with they/them pronouns. Graygender is basically having a weak sense of gender or being somewhat apathetic about one’s gender identity/expression/etc. I do feel I have a gender, which is what I grew up with, but I’m not totally invested in the concept of gender. My expression is certainly more masculine than anything, but it’s still very simple. Okay, let’s get to the story!
Growing up, I was a very confusing child. My Pride Rewind post has more specifics, but basically I defied a lot of gender norms and had feelings that weren’t exactly the standard. My classmates started calling me gay around sixth grade, I think, and it continued on for a while. I knew they were wrong, but couldn’t articulate why. For a long time, I simply thought they were wrong because I was attracted to women, but what I didn’t know was that they were sorta right at the same time. Surprise, bisexuality!
I finally figured out I was bisexual in 2014 when I was 20, almost 21. I figured it out because I crushed hard on a guy. Remember, I’m demiromantic as well (I figured that out later on), so crushes work differently for me. I’d already known this guy for a while so the fact that I suddenly realized I had feelings like this made me take a step back and rethink everything I thought I knew about myself. Coming out is not an one-time thing, you do it constantly, again and again. I don’t have a big Coming Out Story™, I just told people whenever it worked. Once I figured out I was bisexual, it didn’t take long for me to start telling my friends. I texted a couple of my close friends and told them not long after I figured it out. Then once I was back at college, if it came up in conversation or there was a way for me to slide it in there, I would. One of my favorite stories is this: a gay guy was talking with a straight girl about what they find attractive in guys. They were arguing over a specific thing, and he turned to me to ask me what my opinion was, then he said wait, never mind, you don’t swing that way. My immediate response was, “Who said I didn’t?” His reaction was priceless. I did often have to clarify that I wasn’t gay, but bisexual. I mess up people’s queerdar because they sometimes will read me as straight, sometimes as gay. Well, there’s a reason for that!
You might be wondering about when I came out to my parents. Well…. There wasn’t really an official coming out to them? I knew they wouldn’t care, because for my whole life, they’ve been very supportive of the queer community, and when my best friend came out as gay in high school, they didn’t blink an eye. I publicly came out on this channel a year and half ago, in my 10 Things About Me video. It’s almost a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it thing, but once I had that out there, I immediately started making queer videos and haven’t looked back since. With that, I started learning a lot more about the queer community, all of the identities in it, for both sexuality and gender, following a lot more queer people on social media, YouTube, etc., consuming more queer media. I got Ash’s book, The ABCs of LGBT+, and was blown away by how many terms there are!
I started questioning my gender only very recently, maybe a year ago? I had always had a little tug when I saw the word trans, but couldn’t figure out why. I thought I knew I wasn’t trans, because for a long time, all I knew was the binary trans people and non binary people, and I didn’t fit in any of those. But I kept feeling that tug, and decided to really think about it. I reread Ash’s book, and my eye caught on graygender. I kept coming back to it, did some research, and that’s where I am right now. I still don’t feel right calling myself trans, even though I know there’s no such thing as “not trans enough.” I’m just going to stick with saying I’m graygender and that I use he/him and they/them pronouns for now.
That’s my queer story, thanks for watching! Go ahead and leave your queer story down below, if you feel comfortable doing so. I just want to say to those of you who aren’t out for whatever reason, I see you. You are valid. You are not alone. We are here for you when you’re ready. Happy Pride, whether you’re out and proud, or still closeted.
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